Can you teach an old cat new tricks?

Can you teach an old cat new tricks?


                Can you????

                                I really can use some new pointers….



Hi!  It is me, Alex!  And I need help…..


First, let me fill you in about my week.  It hasn’t been too great, let me tell you.  It has been very disappointing to say the least….


On Wednesday, my dad was supposed to have a dinner meeting.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t like when he leaves, but if it is only him, I get to have a “date” with my mom.  And, that is fun.  Especially if she cracks open the tunie and gives me a tunie juice cocktail.  I had my heart set on one… But did I get it? 




Why you ask?


Because my stupid daddy’s meeting got canceled and what did he do?  He went out to dinner with my mom.  He had a date with her…. Not me, as planned… BUMMER!


Then Thursday they also went out to dinner.


Then Friday they went out to dinner at their friend’s house.  And, if that wasn’t bad enough, I smelt

D-O-G on my mom…. She cheated on me… The NERVE!


But, I am a tough man cat.  I handle my disappointment well.  Although I do tend to get a case of the munchies when I am a little sad and upset, and that is what happened.  I gobbled up my dinner early, and by 2:00 AM I was starved.


I meandered upstairs to my parents’ bedroom and tried to wake them.  I pulled out all the stops.  I gently tapped their faces.  I gently tapped their heads.  I slowly walked on their backs.  But what did I get in return? Nothing…NADA! ZIP!!!!!!!


I then stepped up my game.  I after all…. Desperate times call for desperate measures, don’t they? Gone was Mr. Nice Cat… Slowly but surely my gentle taps replaced by more forceful ones.  They did nothing… All that happened was my parents rolled over and fell back to sleep.


I wasn’t going to stand for that, not after everything they’ve done lately.  No sir! I was not going to be ignored! So I started scratch… First slowly, sweetly… Again, nothing… What was a man cat to do?  I had no choice. I had put all my might into it. And I did.  My scratches got stronger more forceful and more deliberate.  I’m sure breakfast would be forthcoming… But again I was wrong… Those lazy the parents of mine made me wait, practically starving to death, until the ungodly hour of 7 AM. Seriously people, is this nuts or not?


Obviously, my tactics aren’t working. I need help… I need my parents be better trained; I need them to react quicker to my every wish and desire. Their lackadaisical attitude about when my breakfast is served has to stop. NOW! Making me wait till 7 AM is just ridiculous!


I’m open to suggestions… How can I get my parents on the ball?

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Hilary Grossman

Hilary Grossman is the author of Plan Bea and Dangled Carat. By day, she works in the booze biz. By night she hangs out with her "characters." She has an unhealthy addiction to denim and high heel shoes. She's been known to walk into walls and fall up stairs. She only eats spicy foods and is obsessed with her cat, Lucy. She loves to find humor in everyday life. She likens life to a game of dodge ball - she tries to keep many balls in the air before they smack her in the face. She lives on the beach in Long Island. To find out more of what Hilary is up to check out her Facebook page

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34 thoughts on “Can you teach an old cat new tricks?

  1. Oh Alex. I am sure that you are a smart enough cat to figure out that the full fledged pounce and attack is what you need to do. Along with bringing along every single cat toy in your possession and flinging them on their bed—preferably right at their faces. A bit of meowing like you are hurt would certainly bring them to their feet to give you the much needed food that you desire AND deserve at that time of the morning!!! Come on, Alex—-you gave up too quickly!!! 🙂

    1. Beth Ann – Thanks! You are great! I love these ideas and tips! This is just what I needed! XOXO Alex

      Beth Ann – gee… thanks… I thought you were my friend…. XOXO hil

  2. Hmmmm….. It is a well-known fact that peeps are very difficult to train. Very difficult, indeed. When they’re behaving this badly, might I suggest a little shock and awe treatment. This, of course, will require bad behaviour on your part. Lots of noise and perhaps a little mess… Are you willing to cross that line? And if all else fails, pounce on their chests and howl.

    1. Nerissa – Me? willing to cross the line of making a mess? You betcha!!!! Good idea… I think I will start working on that right now!!! XOXO Alex

    1. Brian – send her right over… I can use the tips, because obviously I am slacking – or my parents are just getting worse… and besides, I miss that beautiful sister of yours… I love my fiance! XOXO Alex

  3. Alex, it sounds like Gracie is on her way to help you out. Our suggestion is to knock everything off the tables and bureaus and do try to knock them on the bed. You could try screaming all across the bed four or five times and sharpening you claws on the sheets or even better on them. That was just awful that they left you for forty nights and then starved you. They should be reported. Anyway, we wish you luck. Do you want us to send a care package?? LOL

    1. Marg – thank you for understanding my prediciment… it was dreadful, believe you me. How I lived to tell about it, I will never know. I tried sharpening my claws on my mommy’s face, but NOTHING! sheesh…. Thanks for the care package offer… If these “parents” of mine don’t snap out of this abuse, I would take you up on it.. XOXO Alex

      Marg – you crack me up… I had to read this comment to Marc XOXO Hilary

  4. Have you been taking lessons from my Pickles? There must be a cat hotline they call for tips on how to roust the ‘rents out of bed and get them to sleep-shuffle toward the food container. That’s where I was at 6am…darn cat.

    1. Melissa – I think Alex and Pickles are in cahoots…. I agree, there is some training class that all felines go through to make sure us parents never sleep… Good thing they are so cute!

  5. Alex, you have it good believe me… Finn, Macy and Gracie have to wait til 8 or 9 before they get their breakfast because they have to share me with the 3 human children!!! So cut them some slack they are doing the best they can!!!!!! 🙂

    1. Susi – Poor Macy & Gracie – having to wait. Human children, sheesh…. that is no excuse for my friends… This is abuse, I tell you… If I didn’t have my own problems, I would be helping them form a riot and revolt… You and sweetheart should be very thankful that my parents are so disasterous right now, because getting them into shape is all I can handle…. XOXO Alex

  6. Aww handsome Alex!! Oh dear!!! Me and Charlie only hope your mum and dad made up for such lax attitudes and gave you extra extra extra tunie cocktails!! Yay!! 🙂 Take care

    1. Old Kitty – Well, I didn’t have any tunie cocktails, but they did stay home with me, and my daddy did turn that big fire thing on… so, they are improving, slightly…

  7. I have a few ideas! First, you could ask your mom to have food out for your all day and all night. For example, she could leave a big bowl of dry food on the floor so you can eat whenever you please. Or, you could ask your mom to buy one of those electric feeders because if she’s gone all night the feeder takes care of everything! Good ideas? I hope so!

    1. April – very good idea’s but my parents are too dumb to do any of those…. They only give me a little dry food because they say otherwise I get too fat or get sick from it… And they keep the wet in the closet of the fridge. I don’t have thumbs!!!! XOXO Alex

  8. Alex – that is a conundrum. You need to YOWL at the top of your lungs and don’t stop until you get your breakfast. And if they don’t react quick enough I suggest yacking up a hairball in your Mom’s favorite shoes. This way, if they don’t feed you immediately if you YOWL, they will get real worried if you suddenly become quiet and the fear of hairballed shoes will get your Mom out of bed very quickly. Good Luck Alex.

    1. Madness, trouble, squish & milkbone – you guys are good… Very good. Hairballs in shoes… that is really hitting below the belt. I love it!!! YAH! We have a winner!!! XOXO Alex

  9. Alex,
    Man up!!! it’s time for you to let them know who’s boss in that house. Knock over the trash can… OH YEAH… you’re a cat!! sorry.. forgot.. .those are my tricks…
    Okay… if the trash trick doesn’t work…. pee on their bed…… That will get a rise out of them…. (It might also get you sent to the dog house!)
    OH YEAH… you’re a cat… don’t have a dog house….
    Third suggestion…. sneak into the car and go with them!!


    1. Muttley – those are great ideas, for a “dog” but I guess you can’t help it if you are a canine.. after all, we all can’t be felines.. actually, now that I think about it, the only one that doesn’t work is the car part… I don’t travel. but, peeing on their bed… now you are talking.. You are good, muttley, you are very, very good – and quite smart, for a “d-o-g” XOXO Alex

  10. June Buggie gets a running start and jumps right on top of Jen…. preferably right in the center of her chest. It’s guaranteed to wake her. Give it a try!

    1. Rumby Dog – That sounds like a great idea… I am going to try that tomorrow AM… YEAH! I love a plan XOXO Alex

  11. Alex, I know this move requires patience, but it may work for you. Sit on their chest while they’re sleeping. Stare intently at them. Wait. When they wake up, they’ll find themselves staring directly at you (a superior life form, of course), and it’ll freak them out.

    Mess with their heads. It’ll do them some good!

    1. William – You are so smart.. You realize that cats are a superior life form… Why don’t my parents? why couldn’t I have smart parents like you? why did I get stuck with these dumb, dumbs? I have tried sitting on their chests and staring at them… They don’t seem to mind.. They just roll over… Have you ever heard anything so crazy????? XOXO Alex

  12. Poor, poor Alex!!!!! How could they be so mean to you?!

    Hmmm…. my Livvy always finds that tearing up the furniture or the legs of her humans helps get her some attention. Or you can roll over and act sick for a while, but that might freak them out. Maybe try to escape outside!

    1. Rebecca – Alex loved your advice… especially the “acting sick part” to freak us out… I saw that twinkle in his eyes… but, then I had to have a heart to heart with him and remind him he was playing with fire… one wrong move, his plan would backfire, and he might find himself in the c-a-r- on the way to the v-e-t!

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