Jul 30 2012

And words… can hurt so much….

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Words…. They are so simple. They just come out of our mouths, for the most part, with such ease. Sure, sometimes you put thought into what you say. But for the most part we don’t rehearse our interactions. Most times we speak without thinking.

Sometimes we say the wrong thing and hurt other’s feelings without meaning to. Sometimes we say just the right thing and make someone’s day just a little brighter. And sometimes someone says something that seems insignificant at the time but really hits a nerve with someone else. That is exactly what happened to Marc and me on Friday…

We are still struggling, as I am sure you can imagine, with the loss of our beloved cat Alex. We find it hard to get through a day without tears. As a way to help us cope we are trying to distract our sad minds by keeping super busy. One such way is move forward with a project we have longed to do at the house – redo our kitchen.

We have always dreamt about taking down the wall that separates our kitchen from our dining room and making one great room. We have decided to do it now. As all projects, it snowballs. To accomplish our goal, we need to change the location of our front door, add windows, pick out new flooring, countertops, cabinets, etc.

On Friday we went to the showroom of the company that is going to do the work. When it was time to pick the floor tiles Marc and I told the designer we were looking for something dark, either mocha or black. She selected several tiles and laid them on the floor for us to look at. Marc and I immediately picked the same one – a large square tile that had a leather finish in black.

When we told her which one we liked she commented, “Oh that is a great one as long as you don’t have anything white that sheds, like a cat.” She had no idea what she said. It was just an innocent remark. Fortunately as she uttered the words she turned her back to us so she could look for more tiles to show us. She missed both Marc and my eyes cloud over. We struggled to hold back our tears.

Marc whispered to me, “How I wish we had that worry….”

I gave him a sad smile and replied, “I know… what I would give to clean up after Alex one more time.”

Tags: alex, alex the cat, another day in paradise, family, husbands and wives, life, love, musing, stuff I can't make up

66 comments

The Florida Furkids and Lexi

July 30, 2012 at 7:59 am (UTC -4)

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We know how words can hurt. Mom would give anything to be able to give Sniffie her drops again and listen to her OCD meows!! (((Hugs))) and head butts from all of us.

The Florida Furkids and Lexi
1. hilaryg
  
  July 31, 2012 at 6:21 am (UTC -4)
  
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  FL Furkids & Lexi – I know…isn’t it amazing what you miss? I would do anything to clean up a hairball right about now. The other day my niece was over and dropped a snapple bottle. Scrubbing the floor and looking for glass felt so good. She wanted to do the clean up but I wouldn’t let her. I just kept pretending I was cleaning something else up – Big Hugs back to you!
Brian

July 30, 2012 at 9:07 am (UTC -4)

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Yes, it hurts so much but I hope some hugs help because we all send you ours.
1. hilaryg
  
  July 31, 2012 at 6:22 am (UTC -4)
  
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  Brian – hugs help so much – especially hugs from you guys!
The Teacher's Pets

July 30, 2012 at 9:20 am (UTC -4)

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What a heartbreaking post! I can only imagine the pain you are going through right now (and while in the store) but I’m sure in time your hearts will heal.
I admire you for trying so hard to get over Alex’s loss by re-doing your kitchen and by blogging! I’m sure Alex would be proud of you for staying so strong!
1. hilaryg
  
  July 31, 2012 at 6:24 am (UTC -4)
  
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  April – thanks… We are really just trying to distract our minds. The kitchen project helps because it is so involved and there is so much to plan. Marc and I are both fortunate that we have high stress jobs (never thought I would say that) because during the work day our minds also get distracted. It is really hard at home though… Everywhere we look we see Alex – but you are right, we know that Alex would want us to stay strong….
Fuzzy Tales

July 30, 2012 at 9:23 am (UTC -4)

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Such an innocuous comment, and yes, something so trivial can trigger the grief.

Sending you both purrs and hugs.
1. hilaryg
  
  July 31, 2012 at 6:24 am (UTC -4)
  
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  Fuzzy Tales – I know… it is so funny. Two weeks ago she could have said the same thing and we would have laughed at it – saying we know. we are excellent fur cleaner-uppers…. Big hugs back!
caren gittleman

July 30, 2012 at 9:55 am (UTC -4)

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ohhhh….((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))) broke my heart
1. hilaryg
  
  July 31, 2012 at 6:25 am (UTC -4)
  
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  Caren – sorry…. but big (((HUGS))) back
Brenda

July 30, 2012 at 10:09 am (UTC -4)

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so sorry… I’m sure she had NO idea…. and there is always that possibility in the future that another will arive to take his position as king of the house!
1. hilaryg
  
  July 31, 2012 at 6:57 am (UTC -4)
  
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  Brenda – there is definately a possiblity that there will be another fur baby in our lives – but I don’t know if anyone could ever earn the king of the house title again…. We talk about one day giving another creature the wonderful life that Alex had… but I am not sure when we will be ready…
Connie

July 30, 2012 at 10:11 am (UTC -4)

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So interesting that she chose cat and not dog..

I remember after Em passed. While we were dealing with her I knew part of me would be glad to be done with the constant testing and shooting (she was diabetic) and the bleeding and dealing with her other various issues (she had nasal cancer and bled from the nose frequently) it was weeks before I could not feel pain at not doing them. *sigh* even now all these years later I get leaky thinking about it.
1. hilaryg
  
  July 31, 2012 at 6:55 am (UTC -4)
  
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  Connie – I know… it is interesting that she chose cat… I so understand what you mean. Towards the end Alex had a lot of accidents and threw up a lot. I would hate having to start every morning cleaning up, and now that I have nothing to clean before work I miss it. I wold do anything to clean up after him again…
Random Felines

July 30, 2012 at 10:29 am (UTC -4)

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yep – even the non-meant words can bring that hurt to the front…..
1. hilaryg
  
  July 31, 2012 at 6:54 am (UTC -4)
  
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  Randome – I know.. any other time I wouldn’t even have picked up on her comment…
Susi

July 30, 2012 at 10:38 am (UTC -4)

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Awww… she couldn’t have known. It’s tough when you hear stuff like that and everything is still so fresh. It’ll get better. Hopefully, this new project will take your mind of it a little and keep you busy!!! I’m sure there’ll be headaches involved with it… moving the front door??? Yeah, I can’t wait to read about it here!
1. hilaryg
  
  July 31, 2012 at 6:53 am (UTC -4)
  
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  Susi – I know… it was totally innocent on her part… and yes, this project will keep us on our toes – moving the front door, closing the old one… adding windows… changing interior doors… I could go on and on….
victorias_view

July 30, 2012 at 11:05 am (UTC -4)

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It would hurt on so many levels. Sometimes people have no idea what they are saying especially in moments like that…I can only imagine how hard you must have tried to hold back the tears. *hugs*

As for your new project let me know how it goes because I think we will be in the same boat shortly…
1. hilaryg
  
  July 31, 2012 at 6:27 am (UTC -4)
  
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  Darcie – it did, and it was hard to keep a “blank face” but really, she had no way of knowing. I will update the project once we gear up to start. We are hoping to begin end of Sept – which is right around the corner…
Marg12

July 30, 2012 at 11:46 am (UTC -4)

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Oh my gosh, you poor things. That is so awful and we certainly are sending tons and tons of hugs. It is funny how things like that happen, well not funny but strange.
That sounds like a good project and certainly will keep you busy for awhile. Can’t wait to see the results So pictures please of before and after. Alex is probably spitting at that woman from up in cat heaven.
Take care.
1. hilaryg
  
  July 31, 2012 at 6:36 am (UTC -4)
  
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  Marg – I can picture Alex doing that – or smiling down at us saying “hi guys” As 4 crazy cats mentioned, I like to think of her comment as a sign… The project will be a major one – and I can’t wait to share it with everyone once we start
Old Kitty

July 30, 2012 at 12:14 pm (UTC -4)

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Awwwwww!!! The pain numbs but never goes away – it hurts so much, I am so sorry. Big big hugs to you and Marc and good luck with your kitchen redo – that sounds like a project to take your mind off things. Please take care

x
1. hilaryg
  
  July 31, 2012 at 6:40 am (UTC -4)
  
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  Old Kitty – I know it will get better… it has only been two weeks but we are still so raw… The project will be a great diversion big hugs back!
Lucy

July 30, 2012 at 1:11 pm (UTC -4)

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Oh, yes, those innocent comments bring all the pain back to the surface and it can be so tough. ((Hugs))
1. hilaryg
  
  July 31, 2012 at 6:40 am (UTC -4)
  
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  Lucy – I know.. she had no idea of knowing…
loretta rick

July 30, 2012 at 1:25 pm (UTC -4)

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You should have told her you had black carpeting while you had Alex & that a few hairs never bother you.
1. hilaryg
  
  July 31, 2012 at 6:41 am (UTC -4)
  
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  Loretta – yeah, I know.. but we really didn’t want to discuss it.. we just let it slide after a quiet look at each other
McGuffyAnn

July 30, 2012 at 3:34 pm (UTC -4)

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I am so sorry for you both. Unfortunately, more often than not, people don’t think before they speak. She couldn’t have known, which is why people should be more careful. My heart goes out to you both.
1. hilaryg
  
  July 31, 2012 at 6:42 am (UTC -4)
  
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  McGuffy Ann – I know.. there was no way to have known, but it was a silly comment… When you have a pet you know what you are willing to do / not do. Like my mom mentioned, we have black carpet in my house. Alex’s fur ALWAYS showed, but Marc and I would vacumm often – never minding it….
Four Crazy Cats

July 30, 2012 at 4:17 pm (UTC -4)

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Words can hurt, but they can also help. When we lost our cat Mojo 3 years ago, I started looking for signs from him. His color was red, and I had always associated the cardinals with him. Most evenings we would have a bunch in the yard, and then they would all leave but one, and he seemed to be watching. I took comfort in that bird. Same with words…I started noticing the word Mojo everywhere! It was in most books I read, I would hear it on the tv or radio. It was his way of reminding me that he was still around, or letting me know he was ok. Just this week, while watching the Olympics…his name was spoken. Words can help a heart too, when the time is right to receive it. I hope your heart will find a way to heal and take comfort in knowing that you loved Alex with everything in you, and he knew it! He was a blessed boy for sure.

{HUGS}
1. hilaryg
  
  July 31, 2012 at 6:43 am (UTC -4)
  
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  Four Crazy Cats – I like the way you think! It is funny, I also look for signs and part of me felt that her comment was Alex’s way of saying “hi” to us…. But I dismissed it – until now. Now I am going to think that was the intention… HUGS!
Abby

July 30, 2012 at 6:02 pm (UTC -4)

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This has brought tears to my eyes, I hope I can type this out.
There is nothing filled with such anguish as that tiny little tweak …
that reminder.
And all the what ifs… and just that one more day bargaining.
If only One more day I would….(fill in the blank).

This does illustrate how you just never know what someone is going through.
I am so sorry.
I understand how it hurts.
(((hugs))

purrs
>^,,^<
♥Abby♥Boo♥Ping♥Jinx♥Grace♥
1. hilaryg
  
  July 31, 2012 at 6:45 am (UTC -4)
  
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  Abby – you nailed it…. I keep thinking “if only…” and “one more day….” but you are right.. you never know what someone is dealing with, what is on their mind – nothing… many times even people you are very close to… I know you understand…. And I also know one day it wont be as raw, but until then…. Big hugs back!
CCL Wendy

July 30, 2012 at 6:14 pm (UTC -4)

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Now that is just too much to be a coincidence! Why would that thought just pop into the saleslady’s head? And why specifically about a white cat (and not a dog)?

I think Alex was watching you and making his presence known, although I’m sure he intended some comfort rather than grief. I’ve heard it said that one should look out everywhere for signs of a recently departed. If you are open to it, you’ll see it.
1. hilaryg
  
  July 31, 2012 at 6:47 am (UTC -4)
  
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  Wendy – four crazy cats mentioned the same thing.. and I like the way you both think. Alex saying “hi” when she said that originally popped into my head but I dismissed it.. Now after reading both of your comments I think I am going to hold onto that message… And you are right… she could have easily said a dog… yes, it was a sign!
Irene

July 30, 2012 at 6:58 pm (UTC -4)

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She had no idea. She was just making an observation about the color of the floor tile! But as soon as she said it I can imagine the jolt you got in your heart.

Concentrate on the reno! Would love to see the progress and mess! It’s going to be beautiful!
1. hilaryg
  
  July 31, 2012 at 6:48 am (UTC -4)
  
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  Irene – I know.. she didn’t realize she said anything wrong. And if it was any other period of time, when our pain wasn’t so raw, we never would have reacted or even noticed. We are focusing on the redo – it will be a lot of work, but it will be awesome when done. I will make sure to make frequent updates!
Jennifer

July 30, 2012 at 8:37 pm (UTC -4)

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Ugh. Things like that stink. I’ve been struggling with something myself and it is those little innocent comments that hurt so much and the person saying them doesn’t even know any better. Thinking of you guys!!
1. hilaryg
  
  July 31, 2012 at 6:49 am (UTC -4)
  
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  Jennifer – I am sorry you are struggling too… It really is the little things that hurt so much.. thinking of you too..
Tami

July 30, 2012 at 9:20 pm (UTC -4)

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Even though you know the sales lady didn’t mean to hurt you… the words still do. {{{{HUGS}}}}
1. hilaryg
  
  July 31, 2012 at 6:49 am (UTC -4)
  
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  Tami – I know.. she had no idea of knowing what she was saying, but still it was a stab to our hearts
Pip

July 30, 2012 at 11:15 pm (UTC -4)

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Oh, this is so sad. My heart dropped when I read that line. Sending lots of love and healing thoughts.
1. hilaryg
  
  July 31, 2012 at 6:50 am (UTC -4)
  
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  Pip – Thanks! I think Marc and mine did too…. we really weren’t expecting it…
Shawn

July 30, 2012 at 11:33 pm (UTC -4)

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Oh Hilary,
I’m in tears! As I was reading your story, I could feel the intense grief you felt at that very moment. I’m so sorry you had that heartbreaking experience on a day which should have been enjoyable.
I know the salesperson was trying to be helpful and I ‘m sure she would be devastated if she knew the pain she inadvertently caused.

I agree with Irene, focus on your home makeover! We would love to see frequent updates on your progress! Who knows, maybe it will motivate some me to spruce up my Casa Not So Grande!!!
1. hilaryg
  
  July 31, 2012 at 6:52 am (UTC -4)
  
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  Shawn – I am sorry about the tears… It was pretty wild – we were trying to distract ourselves and the stab of grief we got was so deep… but we know she had no idea of what she said or how her words hurt… and we made sure that she didn’t know…. We didnt want her to feel bad… I will make sure to post about the progress once we start – I am actually looking forward to this project. As for Casa Not so Grande – love that!!!
allstarme

July 31, 2012 at 8:37 am (UTC -4)

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Yeah, we lost our Iggy about a month ago (he was only 6) and though he had annoying things about him, I wouldn’t midn them being around if I could have him back.
1. hilaryg
  
  August 1, 2012 at 6:56 am (UTC -4)
  
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  Allstarme – He was only 6? I am so sorry… I can’t imagine how hard that was… He was a baby. At least Alex had a long life… You will get a kick – I don’t know why but my dad used to call my mom Iggy… Isn’t it funny, the things that bothered us when our furbabies were here are what we miss most now? How I wish I could clean a hairball…
Maggie Mae and Max

July 31, 2012 at 11:20 am (UTC -4)

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We have been away from bloggin’ fur a while so we did not know dat sweet kitteh Alex crossed da bridge. All of us is so very sorry fur your loss. We is sendin’ you a big boxer hug!

Woofs and Licks,
Maggie Mae and Max
1. hilaryg
  
  August 1, 2012 at 6:56 am (UTC -4)
  
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  Maggie Mae & Max – thanks so much for your kind words but especially those big boxer hugs.. I could use them!~
Julia's Math

July 31, 2012 at 11:39 am (UTC -4)

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So sad for you both. Good time for a clean fresh start, right? I found you in Stacy Uncorked’s blog hop. Will be following kitchen progress.
1. hilaryg
  
  August 1, 2012 at 7:00 am (UTC -4)
  
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  Julia – thanks for stopping by and getting into the kitchen re-do… I am very excited about it myself. you are right, it is the perfect time for a fresh start. It won’t stop us from “seeing” alex everywhere we go in the house but I think the new look will make things a little easier for us both..
andrea

July 31, 2012 at 1:33 pm (UTC -4)

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Oh, that is tough. Glad you had a moment to compose. Hope the project goes well!
1. hilaryg
  
  August 1, 2012 at 7:01 am (UTC -4)
  
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  Andrea – thanks. I am sure we will have ups and downs with it, but the end result will be great. you are right, i didn’t think of that, we are lucky we had a moment to compose and she didn’t see our reaction…
The Chair Speaks

July 31, 2012 at 2:26 pm (UTC -4)

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Yes, we feel the same too.
Thank you for visiting us and sending comforting words.
We love you. Purrs!
1. hilaryg
  
  August 1, 2012 at 7:01 am (UTC -4)
  
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  Chair speaks – it is such a hard time for both of us, but fortunately the support from the CB helps… love you too!
My Inner Chick

July 31, 2012 at 6:19 pm (UTC -4)

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–Did I tell you that Kay is taking care of Alex until you meet him again?

Love Love Love. & Purrs. xxxx
1. hilaryg
  
  August 1, 2012 at 7:03 am (UTC -4)
  
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  Kim – you made me cry… no, you didn’t tell me, but I know you are right…. He is a lucky man to have such an amazing lady looking after him… And as for her, with Alex by her side, you know that she will be smiling and laughing because that chap is one funny and sarcastic man cat…. Big LOVE back!!!
meowmeowmans

July 31, 2012 at 9:20 pm (UTC -4)

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Oh Hilary and Marc, we’re so sorry you are going through this. We remember what it was like when we lost our sweet Maggie. Please know we are sending hugs, purrs and prayers.
1. hilaryg
  
  August 1, 2012 at 7:06 am (UTC -4)
  
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  Meowmeowmans – thanks.. you understand.. losing a pet is so hard…. Alex, in a lot of ways was the center of our home life and it is just so empty and quiet now…
Ryker's Boyz 'n' Allie

July 31, 2012 at 11:10 pm (UTC -4)

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Oh! Oh! Oh! How awful!
Unintended hurtful remarks can be the worst! So many purrs and paw pats from us to you…..
(Mommy cried over Ryker for ages it seems – and it was those big ugly wracking sobs too, NOT pretty – hit her at the oddest times too.)

Until someone has loved & lost like you have with your precious Alex, they just can’t identify.
1. hilaryg
  
  August 1, 2012 at 7:08 am (UTC -4)
  
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  Rykers Boyz – oh, I can relate to mommy’s ugly sobs… I have them too! And usually in my car. Did I get stares at a traffic light on Monday AM…. You are right… unless someone has loved like we have, it is hard to identify with us, but I am lucky because Marc & I have received more support from people who could than didn’t. I hope your mom was just as lucky…
William Kendall

August 3, 2012 at 1:54 pm (UTC -4)

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It’s going to take a long while for both of you.
1. hilaryg
  
  August 6, 2012 at 6:51 am (UTC -4)
  
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  William – I know.. it has only been 3 weeks… It is so hard… he was such a huge part of our lives and our hearts. We are trying, but we still can’t stop the tears…
Deborah Pucci

August 12, 2012 at 3:06 pm (UTC -4)

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((HUGS))
1. hilaryg
  
  August 13, 2012 at 6:24 am (UTC -4)
  
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  Deborah – thanks… I can use all the hugs I can get